How to silence your inner critic.
Are you your worst critic? Does it feel normal to beat yourself up when things go wrong?
Have you ever wondered why we say such harsh things to ourselves that we’d never say to a friend? It’s shocking really. In my job as a Coach and Therapist I have the privilege of people sharing with me what they may not tell someone else. What I usually see is that people are so hard on themselves. It may seem like motivation or that you’re avoiding a worse alternative like self-pity or being too soft but it’s actually quite damaging.
Apparently the UK has one of the lowest levels of self-compassion. Maybe there are no surprises there as our society values getting on with things and not making a fuss. However, we’re becoming more open to discussing declining mental health, rising suicide rates and addictive behaviours. What would life be like if we were a bit more encouraging to ourselves?
I listened to a really good conversation on the Dr Chatterjee podcast with Dr Kritsten Neff, a Psychology Professor who specialises in self-compassion. (link below)
They discussed the importance of self-compassion for emotional health as well as our physical and mental health too. In fact, there are now over 3000 studies showing the amazing benefits of self-compassion on our wellbeing.
What is self-compassion?
Compassion is acknowledging suffering, showing warmth and caring and having a desire to help. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. When you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of the shared human experience.
Compassion for others and yourself are different. We generally find it easier to be compassionate towards others than we do to ourselves. This is especially true for women who tend to put their needs below the needs of others.
Self-compassion is not feeling sorry for ourselves.
Self-compassion is not self indulgent.
Self-compassion is not self-esteem.
Kristen Neff explains: In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits (pretty, clever, talented, and so on). This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself.
Try this quick exercise:
Have a think or make a note of your ideas:
First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?
Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.
Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?
Quiz: How would you rate your self-compassion?
Test how self-compassionate you are
Guided meditations to help you become more self-compassionate:
Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff
Podcast